Category: 1/4
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Wild Card [2015] ★
Look at the poster. Read: from the director of “The Expendables 2”. This ought to tell you how horrible “Wild Card” is, the latest action fiasco starring non other than Jason Statham. He plays a lethal Las Vegas Bodyguard with a gambling problem. That’s it for subtext in this formula action swill. Why do I sound…
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The Boy Next Door [2015] ★
Ain’t it funny when someone like Jennifer Lopez tries to give her acting career another shot when we all agreed that it ended back in 2003? In “The Boy Next Door”, she hits rock bottom (take that, “Gigli”), playing a 40-something high school teacher who has a one night stand with the “boy” next door (played by…
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Mortdecai [2015] ★
It’s early in the year, but I defy any 2015 comedy to be as stupid, slack and boring as “Mortdecai”. Johnny Depp is embarrassingly bad as an art dealer who must traverse the globe with the support of his manservant Jock (Paul Bettany) to recover a stolen painting. Clumsily directed by David Koepp, from a…
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Taken 3 [2015] ★
Ripping off “The Fugitive” and pretty much every single action thriller ever made, Liam Neeson has sadly saved the worst for last. “Taken 3” (or “Tak3n”) is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent desperation. At 109 minutes, it’s almost 20 minutes longer than its crappy predecessor. Which means you’ll have to suffer even more before the credits start…
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Left Behind [2014] ★
With horrible acting, cheesy effects and disastrous storyline, “Left Behind” reaffirms the fact that the only thing left behind is Nicolas Cage’s career. Fiasco!
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The Prince [2014] ★
A retired assassin (Jason Patric) must get back in the game when his daughter is kidnapped. That’s “Taken” minus Liam Neeson and minus the fun. Awful, to say the least. Fiasco!
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The Quiet Ones [2014] ★
Painfully boring horror movie about a Professor who conducts an experiment on a young girl who claims to be possessed by an “evil” entity. 10 bucks says you stopped reading after “painfully boring” and I don’t blame you. This derivative paranormal nonsense will encourage even die-hard horror fans to shout rude things at the screen.…
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Tammy [2014] ★
What can I say about a movie that made me want to walk out? “Tammy” is so lame and downright stupid that I hesitate to review it at all. It has none of the qualities of a good comedy, and it’s a long way from Melissa McCarthy’s Oscar-nominated “Bridesmaids”. In fact, I’d call this movie…
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Walk Of Shame [2014]
Toss this ugly-ass crap into the scum bucket, along with the other multiplex garbage (I’m talking to you “The Other Woman“), and see a film that gets it right (I’m talking “The Grand Budapest Hotel“). Elizabeth Banks adds a career crushing notch to her career by playing a news reporter who finds herself without a…
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The Other Woman [2014]
You’ve seen it all before. Eight years ago actually, in “John Tucker Must Die”, in which a high school newbie helped three popular girls exact revenge on the man who lied and cheated on them. In “The Other Woman”, directed by Nick Cassavetes, it’s more of the stupid same. I’ve always liked Cameron Diaz, who…
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Transcendence [2014]
For a variety of reasons, I had low expectations for this Sci-Fi movie starring Johnny Depp, Morgan Freeman, Rebecca Hall and Paul Bettany. As it turns out, the film was worse than I expected. Much much worse. Last month I saw “Divergent”. I thought the problem with that film was that it lost most of…
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Nurse 3-D [2013]
This horror show from director Douglas Aarniokoski will be heaven for devotees of B slasher flicks and zero star hell for pretty much everyone else. Paz De La Huerta (“Boardwalk Empire”) plays a homicidal nurse who preys on cheating men by night with her syringe and scalpel (how original!). Then she meets Danni, a recent…
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The Bag Man [2014]
Horrible thriller finds John Cusack hired by a legendary crime boss (Robert De Niro) to complete a simple task. Then, inexplicably, the boss sends someone to keep an eye on him! Sorry excuse for a script jumps from one boring, stupid, illogical sequence to another, when it fact it has no reason to exist. Another…
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Winter’s Tale [2014]
Next to Thierry’s Friends’ crappy gadgets, I can’t think of a worse Valentine’s gift than a ticket to see “Winter’s Tale”. How much I hate this movie? let me count the ways. I hate the way Hollywood insults audiences by deciding a surrealistic love story is what we need for Valentine’s week. I hate the…
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Devil’s Due [2014]
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies, here comes another “found footage” horror flick about a couple expecting the devil’s child. This is the cue for directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gilett (yes it took two people to direct this) to throw a collection of clichés that soon turns…
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I, Frankenstein [2014]
Here’s a shrieking bore of a January movie that’s meant to spice things up by casting Aaron Eckhart (a decent actor) as the classic Frankenstein monster. I’m calling bullshit. After an Ok prologue that pays homage (well not entirely) to the classic Mary Shelley story, this loud, noisy, video-game like mess made my eyes bleed.…
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Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones [2014]
There’s a reason why Hollywood studios dump their worst movies in January. They must think audiences won’t notice (or care), still trying to digest the holiday turkey. Well we do, especially when it’s a craptacular horror movie like “Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones”. From the amateur acting, writing and directing to an ending that is shocking…
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Empire State [2013]
Welcome to Dwayne Johnson’s 100th movie of the year (I’m not really sure about the number but who’s counting?). He plays a cop who tries to stop a couple of morons (that would be the dreadful Liam Hemsworth and Michael Angarano) from robbing an armored car company. That’s it for plot in this truly awful movie.…
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