Let's Talk About Movies

Category: 1/4

  • 2:22 [2017] ★

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    Preposterous doesn’t even begin to describe this movie, so I’ll try to paint you a picture: Michiel Huisman plays a New York City air traffic controller who begins to notice a repetition of sounds and events in his life that happen at exactly the same time everyday. Hallucinations? Dreams? Signs? Your head will explode trying…

  • Max Steel [2016] ★

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     A flop in the United States and one of the worst reviewed movies of 2016, “Max Steel” is living proof that some Superheroes are worse than worthless. It not only scrapes the bottom of the superhero barrel; it bores its audience to death with a dull plot, a stupid hero, and a ridiculous villain, played…

  • The Last Face [2016] ★

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     How can a movie have a powerful message and still suck so bad? Director Sean Penn’s attempt at telling a love story amidst a political conflict in Africa is a slow, stupefyingly dull mess from start to finish. What’s even worse is all the talented people who wasted their time on this. Javier Bardem and…

  • Fifty Shades Darker [2017] ★

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     I can think of 3 ways to torture your Valentine date this year: buy them a crappy giant teddy bear from Malik’s bookshop, force them to read/watch any Nicholas Sparks story, or just take them to see “Fifty Shades Darker”, the sequel to the equally terrible “Fifty Shades of Grey“, released a couple of years ago.…

  • Arsenal [2017] ★

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     The first real bad movie of 2017 stars non other than the legendary Nicolas Cage and…wait for it… John Cusack! Though they’re both reduced to supporting roles, you still can’t help but feel sorry for them for starring in almost anything these days, just for the sake of a quick buck. “Arsenal” is a travesty,…

  • Assassin’s Creed [2016] ★

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     Since everything has already been said and done about “Assassin’s Creed”, the awful big screen adaptation of the popular video game, I’ve decided to do things differently for this review. I’m going to pretend that this is Twitter and I’m going to “tweet” my opinion about this movie using 140 characters or less. It might…

  • Boo! A Madea Halloween [2016] ★

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    10 thoughts that went through my head during Tyler Perry’s latest abomination “Boo! A Madea Halloween” (cool title, huh?). This can’t be as bad as all the previous Madea movies. I mean it’s a Halloween movie and it should be at least enjoyable. Right? Uh oh 5 minutes into this movie and I already cannot…

  • USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage [2016] ★

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    Id’ rather shoot myself in the foot than watch a Nicolas Cage movie these days. I know that. You guys know that by now. And yet, judging from the synopsis, you would expect a decent tribute to the crew of the USS Indianapolis, who were stranded in the Philippine Sea for five days after delivering the…

  • Kickboxer: Vengeance [2016] ★

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    A disaster from start to finish, this dumb “sequel” to the 1989 film starring Jean-Claude Van Damme follows Kurt Sloane (Alain Moussi) and his quest to avenge the death of his brother who was brutally killed by the fighter Tong Po (David Bautista, clueless). You know the film’s in deep trouble when even the fight…

  • Cell [2016] ★

    Cell [2016] ★

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    Here’s a list of things I ABSOLUTELY hated about “Cell”, one of the worst big screen adaptations of a Stephen King novel: 1- The story. Nothing against King (who wrote the screenplay), but what the hell was that? In telling his story about a man (John Cusack) who tries desperately to search for his missing…

  • The Trust [2016] ★

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     Nicolas Cage strikes again in one of the year’s worst movies, playing a police officer who learns of a vault with a large amount of money. Along with his partner (a washed up Elijah Wood who desperately needs to find a better agent), he decides to investigate more in order to break into it. If…

  • All Roads Lead To Rome [2016] ★

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     Terrible comedy will make you cringe over and over again. Sarah Jessica Parker plays a single mother who decides to reconnect with her troubled daughter by taking her to Italy. Everything that follows rings cringingly false, from Parker’s ridiculous romance with an Italian man to her annoying daughter. There’s not a genuine laugh here, unless…

  • Dirty Grandpa [2016] ★

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     The worst movie of the year so far has a fine chance of retaining the title for the rest of the year. Robert De Niro’s career hits all time low (give him an award for worst performance already), playing a perverted grandpa (*cringes*) who goes on a road trip with his grandson (the always horrible…

  • Bus 657 [2015] ★

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     Another paycheck movie for the once great Robert De Niro in which he pretends to care about the movie or his audience. Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays a father who has to pay for his daughter’s medical treatment. His boss, played by a phony De Niro, refuses to help. So Morgan and his co-workers decide to rob…

  • The Last Witch Hunter [2015] ★

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    What to say about this lame-brained, terrible attempt to start a witch hunting franchise starring Vin Diesel? I say, screw the damn thing and run the other way. It’s all kinds of sad to see the legendary Michael Caine wasting his talent for the sake of a quick payday. It’s even funnier to see Vin Diesel play Kaulder, a witch hunter…

  • Pay The Ghost [2015] ★

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    A crappy Halloween movie starring Nicolas Cage is the last thing you needed this season. Cage plays a professor who finds himself hopelessly searching for his missing son who was abducted during a Halloween parade by an ugly entity. The real ugly entity is the movie itself, a terrible horror nonsense with worse special effects. Instead of a review, it…

  • The Lazarus Effect [2015] ★

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    Here’s a horror flick about bringing the dead back to life (how original!). Mark Duplass (“The One I Love”), in mad-professor mode, wants to perform this procedure on his dead girlfriend (Olivia Wilde), with disastrous consequences (pun intended). Director David Gelb, in his feature debut, is transparently trying to rip off  every Frankenstein movie ever made. Fat chance. Every…

  • Tracers [2015] ★

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    Fun fact: Taylor Lautner can’t act. Not in “Twilight”. Not in “Abduction”. And definitely not in “Tracers”, his latest action misfire. Lautner plays Cam, a New York bicycle messenger that had me remembering Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s underrated “Premium Rush”. Anyway, Cam is also in debt. So he quickly joins a group of urban free-runners or “tracers” who use their skills…

  • Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 [2015] ★

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    As if the 2009 original wasn’t endurance test enough, the sequel further cheapens the talents of Kevin James (once upon a time he was actually funny), reprising his role as Paul Blart (or fart), the famous mall cop who finds himself facing more bad guys, this time in… Las Vegas (how original!). Even Raini Rogriguez,…

  • Everly [2015] ★

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    Reserve a special place in hell for movies that waste your time and patience. To a list that includes “Taken 3“, “Mortdecai” and “Jupiter Ascending“, add “Everly”. Joe Lynch is credited as a director and Yale Hannon with the script. But the movie seems untouched by human hands or originality. Salma Hayek plays a woman who…