Category: 1/4
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Getaway [2013]
Do not confuse this terrible mess with Steve McQueen’s classic movie “The Getaway”. This loud, ugly film made my ears hurt. Which leads me to this: why in hell do Hollywood studios always choose September to bury their misfires? They must think we won’t notice, distracted by the summer leftovers (I’m talking to you, “Riddick“). Well…
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Grown Ups 2 [2013]
Look, I’m not an Adam Sandler hater. He was pretty good in “Reign Over Me”, “Funny People” and the underrated “Punch Drunk Love”. And I still have fun memories of “The Wedding Singer” with Drew Barrymore, made way before he turned into a doofus. That said, “Grown Ups 2” is arguably the unfunniest comedy in…
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Aftershock [2013]
Terrible B movie finds Eli Roth and some unknown actors trying to survive an earthquake in Chile. Cool right? Not right. Because there’s literally nothing that works here: The special effects are awful, the acting is laughable and director Nicolas Lopez seems to be fighting a losing battle with the concept of an “aftershock”. Worst…
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The Last Exorcism Part II [2013]
The movie is called “The last Exorcism part II” and it’s a sequel to a mediocre 2010 movie of the same name. Were you really expecting something good? Didn’t think so. The story this time around focuses on Nell (the girl who was possessed in the first film) who is trying to rebuild her life…
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Movie 43 [2013]
Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, Anna Faris, Kieran Culkin, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Kristen Bell, Christopher “McLovin” Mintz- Plasse, Chloe Moretz, Gerard Butler, Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel and Seth McFarlane all…
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Scary Movie 5 [2013]
Maybe you thought since Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan poke fun at themselves that this fifth installment would be double the fun. Not a chance. On a scale of 1 to 10 on the laugh meter, “Scary Movie 5” is a negative 10. A stupid, unfunny and shamelessly lazy farce packed with tired, cringe-inducing jokes…
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Silent Hill: Revelation [2012]
Ugly follow-up to the 2006 movie finds Sean Bean trying to protect his daughter Heather (Adelaide Clemens) after his wife Rose (Radha Mitchell) rescued her from Silent Hill and then disappeared. Later on Dad himself is abducted so it’s up to Heather and her friend Vincent to get him back. Another video game becomes a silly excuse…
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Love And Honor [2013]
Dreadful movie set during the Vietnam War and starring Liam Hemsworth (“The Hunger Games”) and Austin Stowell as two soldiers who decide to return to America while on leave. Stowell wants to see the girl who dumped him before he shipped out, while Hemsworth finds himself connecting with a pretty “journalist” (Teresa Palmer). I hate the…
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Texas Chainsaw 3D [2013]
The worst movie of this very new year has a good chance to retain the title for all of 2013. This putridly written, directed and acted movie claims to be the “real” sequel to the 1974 original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. So fucking what? The horror begins with the slaughter of the infamously cannibalistic Sawyer clan, but of…
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Paranormal Activity 4 [2012] and The Apparition [2012] ★½
Paranormal Activity 4:In the 4th and hopefully final installment in this never-ending series (we can always hope), a new family witnesses the same bullshit when a woman and a child move in with them. You know the drill: Have something pop out in the dark. Wait for a scream. Then drag out the next surprise…
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Bait [2012] and Freelancers [2012] ★½
Bait: Another “horror” movie featuring lousy actors and sharks, except it’s an Australian production and the story is set in a supermarket following a freak tsunami (how original!). You know you’re in for trouble when you find yourself rooting for the shark. Don’t even think about it. Rating: 1.5/4 Freelancers: You leave “Freelancers” wondering what…
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Resident Evil: Retribution [2012]
No tension, excitement, or interest, amateurish action, and lousy CGI’s.That’s “Resident Evil Retribution” in a nutshell. Even die hard fans of the series will agree with me this time around. The 5th installment is the worst one so far and I demand an explanation. I never expected Shakespeare but I guess I never expected it to…
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The Cold Light Of Day [2012]
We got problems. Start with the title. What the hell does it mean? Then there’s the movie itself, which should be an enjoyable thriller but settles for just awful. Henry Cavill (the next Man Of Steel) plays Will Shaw, a young Wall Street trader who is taking time away from work to spend a holiday…
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The Tall Man [2012]
Jessica Biel, whose career has been sputtering on life support for years, plays a woman who is trying to uncover the mystery of the so called Tall Man, after her son goes missing one night. Useful tip: don’t ask. Don’t watch. Fiasco!
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Chernobyl Diaries [2012]
Told you I’d be reviewing crappy movies this month. Case in point, “Chernobyl Diaries”, a truly dreadful horror movie from the creator of the “Paranormal Activity” franchise (not again!). On the surface, you’d think this is yet another “found-footage” film, when in fact it’s not. But it has enough shaky camera scenes and lousy “boo”…
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Piranha 3DD [2012]
I watch bad movies so you can save your money. Case in point: “Piranha 3DD”, a truly awful sequel to the silly but entertaining “Piranha”. The first one had blood, full frontal nudity and Christopher Lloyd as a wacky scientist. Back then, I called it “the most enjoyable crap I’ve seen in a long time”.…
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One For The Money [2012]
The worst movie of the year so far has a good chance to retain the title for all of 2012. Ripping off a few lousy comedies, “One For The Money” manages not only to be bad, but to drill a hole deeper into the scum. Yep that’s Katherine Heigl again (the perpetrator of such misfires…
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