Category: 1.5/4
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Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [2013] ★½
Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton hunt and kill witches. That’s it for subtext in this formula January flick. Were you expecting more? Didn’t think so. It’s obvious that Norwegian writer-director Tommy Wirkola has no faith in his story, so in order to keep goosing the audience, he throws in one witch after the other, explodes heads and…
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Stand Up Guys [2012] ★½
Excuse my sarcasm but why in hell do Studios always choose January to bury their misfires? They must think we won’t notice, distracted by award season and all. But we do, especially when it’s a film starring legendary actors Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. I’m talking about “Stand Up Guys”, a sorry excuse of a movie about…
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Paranormal Activity 4 [2012] and The Apparition [2012] ★½
Paranormal Activity 4:In the 4th and hopefully final installment in this never-ending series (we can always hope), a new family witnesses the same bullshit when a woman and a child move in with them. You know the drill: Have something pop out in the dark. Wait for a scream. Then drag out the next surprise…
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Bait [2012] and Freelancers [2012] ★½
Bait: Another “horror” movie featuring lousy actors and sharks, except it’s an Australian production and the story is set in a supermarket following a freak tsunami (how original!). You know you’re in for trouble when you find yourself rooting for the shark. Don’t even think about it. Rating: 1.5/4 Freelancers: You leave “Freelancers” wondering what…
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Stolen [2012] ★½
It’s damn hard to enjoy a thriller when you don’t, won’t, can’t believe a word of it. Case in point: “Stolen”, a truly dreadful movie starring non other than Nicolas Cage. If you loved “Ghost Rider”, “Next”, “Bangkok Dangerous”, “Drive Angry”, “Trespass”, “Season of the Witch” and I dare you to say you did, you’ll…
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Red Lights [2012] ★½
Judging from the trailer, “Red Lights” looked like it might be one of the best horror movies we’ve seen in quite a while. But isn’t it always the case with trailers? Surprise. The movie sucks. Cillian Murphy and Sigourney Weaver (both good actors) play two university professors who specialize in explaining to people why ghosts don’t really…
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ATM [2012] ★½
Three people find themselves trapped in an ATM building, while a hooded killer stands outside, messing with them. That’s the premise of this truly dreadful movie, which has enough ideas to fill out a 20 minute short. Unfortunately, “ATM” runs 90 minutes, and as it ambles along you can feel the life draining from it. The…
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Silent House [2012] ★½
Many have heaped praise on the technique used in this haunted house chiller, but directors Chris Kentis and Laura Lau take an awfully long time getting to the actual plot, content to spend the first half of the movie doling out “boo!” moments. In fact, those moments never really fade away, and most of them are pretty…
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Safe [2012] ★½
Oh look, another Jason Statham movie! I could go on, but do I really have to? Rating; 1.5/4
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Project X [2012] ★½
A lot of times, while I’m watching a bad movie, several questions arise: “What the hell is that?” or better yet: “What the hell were they thinking?” That’s exactly what I asked myself while suffering through “Project X”, which is anything but funny, as some might lead you to think. I think “tragic” would be…
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Battleship [2012] ★½
I really wanted to like this movie. No wait, I didn’t. I mean, who wants to see a movie based not on a book, or an animated series, but a board game? Not me, not you, not anyone. It’s tempting to dismiss Peter Berg’s long, loud and ludicrous “Battleship” with three words — piece of…
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