Confession: I’m a fan of the first “Spy Kids” movie, which featured a hilarious Alan Cumming in the role of Fegan Floop. Since then, director Robert Rodriguez’s series has gotten worse, and though this third sequel was totally unexpected (the previous installment was released in 2003), let’s all pretend that it never existed. In a nutshell: it stinks. Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino get replaced by Jessica Alba and Joel McHale, and key players such as Cumming, Tony Shalhoub and Steve Buscemi are gone. All we get is a cameo appearance from Dany Trejo as uncle Machete (that’s it?). Alexa Vega and Daryl Sabara return, now in supporting roles, as Carmen and Juni, representing the only connection to the earlier films. But that’s not enough, especially since they both look bored and stranded in their underwritten adult parts (Vega is now 23, while Sabara turned 19). The new spy kids, Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook don’t have much to work with, and they lack charm and talent. The mission this time around is…well would you really care to know? Suffice to say that it grows inexcusably tiresome from one scene to the next, seemingly unaware that even kids won’t find this the least interesting, or funny for that matters. When all fails, Rodriguez resorts to cheap toilet jokes. If that’s your idea of fun, help yourself. The movie ends with a lesson in life ““You have to live life moving forward, not back” . The only lesson you’re getting out of me is “ditch this movie, and never look back”.
Rating: 1.5/4
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