Fifty Shades Freed [2018] ★

 Think of every bad movie I’ve ever reviewed on this blog. Way below that is “Fifty Shades of Grey” and its sequel “Fifty Shades Darker”. Then there’s 50,000 feet of horse shit. Dig another 100,000 feet until you hit rock bottom and there you will find “50 Shades Freed”, a sequel so stupid and so pointless and so bad, it shouldn’t be allowed to call itself a movie. Blame the readers of E.L. James’ books, who turned this trilogy into a bestseller. Of the movies, at least I can say that the first installment had some kind of story to tell. “Freed” has nothing going for it. Nothing. The plot? Try finding one. Christian Grey and Anastasia are now married (yipee!). She wants a baby. He doesn’t. She goes back to work, only to realize that her old boss Jack Hyde is still trying to get his revenge. In between, Christian takes her to the play room. You know the drill. Oddly enough, these events feel like leftovers from the previous installments, two films that were already bad enough. How is that even possible? I asked myself that very same question as I suffered through this suspense-free turd. I won’t say more, except any movie with plot twists this stupid defy spoiler alerts. You can basically see everything coming a mile away even the damn actors looked relieved once the horrible climax was done and dusted. This truly awful trilogy could serve as a model on how to completely destroy suspense, character and romance. One can even argue that the “50 Shades” series eventually reaches its own perfection: it fails on every conceivable level. What a horrible thing to do to your date this valentine’s day.

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