I can think of 3 ways to torture your Valentine date this year: buy them a crappy giant teddy bear from Malik’s bookshop, force them to read/watch any Nicholas Sparks story, or just take them to see “Fifty Shades Darker”, the sequel to the equally terrible “Fifty Shades of Grey“, released a couple of years ago. I’m appalled. Pissed off. Turned off by how bad this sequel is. Is this the best erotic story they could come up with? Go ahead and tell me that the book has millions of readers. I couldn’t care less. The first movie sucked. The sequel is even worse. I know there’s still one more movie to go, but what I’ve seen so far was pure torture (no pun intended). Laughable dialogue, bad acting, preposterous storyline. I could go on. The story this time around feels like an episode of “The Bold and the Beautiful”. Ana (Dakota Johnson) gets a new job. Her boss sexually assaults her. Christian Grey (a horrible Jamie Dornan) saves her and they live happily ever after. I’m serious. There’s nothing interesting going on. The sex scenes? Dull. The chemistry between the two leads? Non-existent. Even good actors (Kim Basinger, I’m looking at you) expire under the film’s cheeseball cloud. Ever since Sharon Stone glamoured everyone in “Basic Instinct”, “Fifty Shades” seems even more sexless and boring. I don’t know about you, but I prefer my sex with a little life in it. And “Fifty Shades Darker” feels untouched by human hands.
Fifty Shades Darker  ★