How do you even begin to describe a movie like “The Human Centipede 2″? Perhaps by saying that you’ve never seen anything quite like it before? Or by simply saying that it’s by far the worst movie ever made? No horror film I’ve seen inflicts more terrible things on its victims than “The Human Centipede 2″. I’m about to describe what happens to those poor victims. This will be a spoiler (if you’ve never seen part 1), but I don’t care. Chances are, you may be grateful to be warned. The first movie featured a mad German scientist (Dieter Laser) who tortured three people and sewed them together, ass to mouth, to create one digestive tract. In part 2, the hero is a fat sweaty perv named Martin, who works in a London parking garage and watches the first “Centipede” movie repeatedly on his laptop. His dream? to make his own version, using a dozen victims. Martin may be fucked up, but he’s no scientist. So you can imagine how nasty things eventually get when he decides to play the role of the surgeon. Why does he want to commit this atrocity? He is insane, as I’ve already explained. This isn’t so much a review as a public service announcement. I realize that some viewers might find this brilliant. I just don’t want to have dinner with those people, or have them judge a screenplay competition.
Usually, I am required to rate the movies I review. I’m guessing a “Fiasco” rating would be perfect for this kind of atrocity. But truth be told, my rating system is almost unsuited to this film. This isn’t a film. This is worse than torture porn, and the people involved in it should never be allowed to make movies again. If this is what qualifies as “horror” these days, then God help us, we’re doomed.